“Hello, Ashley? There’s something wrong with your levels…”
I think I’ve written this post about six times. I would get so far, about two paragraphs in, and stop. I’d cry for maybe a minute or two. Then push delete, like it never happened.
How we got here
Two hours after getting married people were asking me and my husband when we planned on having kids. Our original plans were to wait two years. But those plans changed when most of our friends announced their pregnancy. So, we weren’t as careful. I stopped tracking my fertility cycle and just let nature take its course.
When I was waiting for the results, I didn’t know what I wanted. I thought I wanted to wait. I thought I wanted more stability in my career. But when I saw that second line, I knew I was supposed to be a mother.
We told our parents. I let it slip to one of my cousins at a family get-together after his son ran past and he asked: “when are you going to have one of those?”. We had plans to tell others. Cute t-shirts, Christmas card announcements. Those preparations came to a screeching halt after one phone call…
My husband wanted answers. Why did I miscarry? What can we do differently next time? If these questions could just be answered, that would give him comfort.
Feelings were the last thing I wanted to acknowledge. I applied for a new job in a different city. I looked into graduate school. I even started planning trips to travel the world!
Then, it was October 16th; I was supposed to have an ultrasound. I forgot to delete the reminder from my phone and I collapsed.
How could I miss something that was never mine? How can I be so sad about something I didn’t know I wanted? It was just two little lines.
Out of the Shadow
Did you know that between 10-30% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage?Some medical research suggests it’s even higher accounting for unknown pregnancies. How can something so common be so forbidden to talk about?
It’s actually dangerous for us not to talk about it! You still need to get your human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) levels tested. If you still have a trace of hCG, you may need to have surgery.
Besides health reasons, there is an untapped support system not being utilized. Women talking about their own experiences instead of someone guessing how I felt. That’s what I needed!
Maybe I would have opened up sooner. My husband was actually relieved when I started crying because he knew I was finally dealing with my grief. One thing is for certain; I will never knowingly let another women feel like they cannot be sad. Even if it was just two little lines.
As Always, Be kind.